Selfie by Md Khadeerbabu

 Selfie (Telugu)

- Md Khadeer Babu

(With permission from the author)

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Translation trials

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She tried to recollect  the last time her husband  touching this part of hers that the Doctor has touched  now. One minute, two minutes -  she was looking anxiously at him. 

He finished the examination, rubbed two droplets of  hand sanitizer on his palms and told her very  'matter of factly',  "yeah.  there is a lymph. lets see, there is a 50-50 chance, we will be certain once the biopsy is done"

She felt like crying  but controlled herself from being childish.  He noticed it and consoled her. 

"Don't worry. Its very common these days. as common as a common fever.. haven't you seen how many are waiting outside? Aren't they happy?"

Are they? she wondered.  She noticed many of them while waiting for her appointment.   All are women from different age groups, with different faces & different worries.. all lined up in a row.  May be, they have all come for a recheck or a  review.  All are from the same heart.  Some clearly had a mastectomy,  on their left side or right.  Her lymph has formed in the left one.. does it mean...?

How many days does it take to get the biopsy report Doctor?

Maximum one week. 

Oh ! She cant handle it.  She cannot cope with the stress to have all kinds of those presumptions of the diagnosis turning positive or negative.  The tension itself can kill her.  She is a patient of hypertension. Even the medication is not suppressing her blood pressure.  

Please bring your husband. I will apprise him with all the details. 

He doesn't stay here doctor, he lives in Bangalore

Oh .. then you ? 

I work in the Secretariat

He nods his head, pulls his prescription pad towards him and writes the date of the next appointment. She thanked him and exited the room as he pressed the buzzer for his next patient. 

Time is almost 7.  There is maid at the home, so she is not much worried. Still, as she felt like, she rang her home while her eldest girl answered the call.   She has been eating Ice cream from the fridge and later plans to drink Tropicana.  "Have you shared some with your little sister?" she enquired. "I shared with her yesterday".  After listening to the daughter's voice, she could not control her emotions.  She disconnected the call and wept inconsolably.  

Just in the vicinity is the TRS Office and next to it is KBR Park.  Even though the gates will be closed by now, she can take a walk in the outer circle.  She took her car and drove slowly yet reached within 4-5 minutes.  So many cars are parked already.  She parked hers in a not so well lit  area and sat inside the car, without turning the engine off thus keeping the AC running. 

What next ? 

she lowered her head down and looked at herself.  These breasts weren't  useful to her kids.  She couldn't suckle.  She didn't lactate enough in both the child births.  She then thought at least her husband had  cherished them. But she could not grasp the flying time, she didn't know how marriage and kids happened so quickly and how both herself and the husband  have been huddled by responsibilities.  Just as the dust was settling down, the IT industry in the city has been going downhill.  He moved to Bangalore for better prospects.  One year.. two years.. and then three. "I am unable to handle the kids alone, I want to move with you" she once told him.  He refused.  "How can u leave a government job?"  "then why don't you come back?"  "How can I loose my career?"  Is it not feasible for a  Wife and Husband to live in different locations ? Yes, but as long as they retain their bond. 

He used to come home for every weekend in the beginning of the separation.  Then it became a biweekly phenomenon.  Sooner than she could notice, his visits turned into monthly and later, once in two months events.  There was love in the beginning and now, it turned into some kind of an obligation.  There was an occasional hi.. Now, he hits the sack as soon as he comes home or just plays with the kids.    He once had ran a conquest  just to get married to her.  Where has all the love gone ?  Has she been not even some kind of  an object in his house now ?

She got a rare thought flicker across her mind.  She turned on the interior light inside the car.  Took off her dupatta and kept it aside.   She quickly clicked a selfie with focus only on her breasts and whatsapped the pic to her husband. She took a  glance at the selfie for a long time, before clicking 'send'.   Will there be no flesh on this side of the breast ?  Will it be a hollow or plain flat chest ? How does a blouse look on them? Will there be any femininity  left in her?  She gently touched her right breast.  She silently prayed "please don't go away. do not leave me" for a million times.  Her tears were unstoppable. Her chest drenched with her tears.

Her phone rang - its the husband. 

What is this selfie.

She pretended to laugh aloud.  

I just wanted to remind you about our upcoming wedding anniversary next week.

you have been becoming too naughty.. he laughed too. 

He disconnected in a jiffy.  She knew that he is clearly puzzled.  Just after two minutes, he calls again. He sensed that something is amiss.  Why? because, he once loved her madly.. at least somewhere in the past.. at  some point in time. didn't he truly love her?

hey.. what is wrong?

she didn't utter a sentence.  She controlled her tears with great effort.  But she snapped as casually as she could.. 

It may be cancer. 

He is blown apart. She caught him off guard. then, she helped him process it with the same tried casualness. 

"Do Not worry. they all say its normal these days. Just a small surgery with two day hospitalization.  We can resume work soon.  No much rest is needed.."

"why..? How..? 

She laughed it out. 

"How on earth can I know why..?"

She took a gap

"May be its a result of the fact that u never talk to me now a days,  like the way u had had been.. u know? You have completely stopped taking me into your arms.     I am supposing that this wouldn't have had happened - had you just ever .. kissed me..." 

I... I .. am coming.

No. I can manage.  You need not waste your leaves on this silly thing. 

You didn't listen to me. I am coming back to you.  For good.

No.

What are you saying?

I said NO - she screamed.

He started crying.  She let him shed his emotions. After he felt light in his head, she gently said:

Now stop.. will u ? Is it really necessary that I must loose something to reclaim you ? 

He is still weeping. 

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(I tried this translation for a test, which I obviously failed.. And then now, posting this here, hoping I might learn from my mistakes if any goodhearted pal can guide me into a right path.  I lost the original  to compare or correct the draft, so pl notify the glaring mistakes.   Many thanks to Md Khadeer Babu)